30/7/2011

Yesterday, they diagnosed me with Type 2 Bipolar. This isn't as bad as type one, as I only experience hypomanic episides, instead of manic episodes. The problem is, my depressive episodes are quite severe.

Here it is: I want to die. It's nearly 5.30pm and my parents are going out tonight. I want to overdose on Seroquel (the antipsychotics they gave me) and sit in the shower with a knife, cutting my leg. That's really what I want to do.

Initial Signs

The actual symptoms of an overdose from Seroquel will vary greatly from person to person, but the most common and often first signs will be either an overwhelming sense of drowsiness or an actual loss of consciousness. Of course, the rate in which these symptoms set in and the severity of these symptoms will also be affected by the amount of Seroquel ingested and any other substances, including prescription medications, illegal narcotics and alcohol, a person has used at that time.

Cardiovascular Issues

Another troubling side effect from a Seroquel overdose will involve the cardiovascular system. Many times when someone has taken too much of this particular medication, he will experience an uneven or irregular heart beat, otherwise referred to as an arrhythmia, or an increased heart rhythm, which is often called a tachycardia or palpitations. Both of these are often accompanied by dizziness, a shortness of breath, fainting, chest pain or discomfort and even heightened anxiety.

Hypotension

Though hypotension, or a lowered blood pressure, is related to the cardiovascular system, this side effect often presents itself differently than with the symptoms involved in serious arrhythmias or palpitations from a Seroquel overdose. Most often, people will feel dizzy or lightheaded. This will usually be accompanied by an overall lack of concentration (or an altered state of being) and blurred vision. Many times, a person will become cold and clammy with a noted paleness to their skin. He will feel nauseous, fatigued and even thirsty. In some cases, he will also suffer from a change in breathing, moving to a shallower, yet rapid intake of air.

Severe Side Effects

Despite the fact that any side effect of an overdose due to Seroquel is fairly severe, there are a few derivatives that are obviously far more serious and significant. Some people have been known to slip into a coma from a Seroquel overdose, basically without any warning. In other cases, people have even lost their life. While this isn't necessarily a side effect, it is a potential danger from taking too much of this medication.

I understand that this is just an episode, but I'm so fucking bored with life and with living. It feels really fucking pointless. I've had the absolute crappiest 19 years of life, and I can't be bothered with another 60 of the same old shit. I just...I don't know what to do.

I don't even know if I want to die, or if I just want to hurt myself really bad. Does that make sense? That's really how it is. It's not about dying. I just want to get away from the life that I have now. Let me spend the next 6 months in a psychiatric unit, away from all the daily shit, where people actually care about me. Fuck, let me live there for the rest of my life. I don't even care.

This is NOT a suicide post. I'm not about to go jump off a bridge. I'm just done with all the shit. I need to get away from it all.

My "suicide letter":

Tonight, I want to die. I want to overdose on Seroquel, and maybe some Pristiq. I want to cut myself with a blade, long and deep, down the length of my leg. I want the shower filled with blood, while I'm drowsy from the pills and the blood loss and the ectasy of finally escaping. I feel as if I'm not meant to be alive. I've had so many challenges thrown at me during my life: disability, anxiety, depression, OCD, and now Bipolar. I'm so bored with life. The last 2 months I felt as if I were cured; I was sure I had finally become 'normal'. Now, I realise that it was simply a long hypomanic episode. And then when I crashed, I just knew I was sick of everything. I wanted to throw myself off the building. I still want to get away from everything. I've considered this. Maybe I don't need to die; I just need to go far away. Away from uni and social and work responsibilities. Somewhere only my needs are focused on. Anywhere but here. And perhaps this episode will end in a couple days and I'll be fine. But that's so hard to imagine when I'm convinced that there is NOTHING worth living for. The antipsychotics they gave me are supposed to 'knock me out' but I hardly feel them at all. It's as if my body has become so damn used to being medicated that giving me 25mg of a pill isn't going to do shit. That's scary to think that maybe they won't work, and in a couple days I'll still feel exactly the same. I always thought that my life would conclude by suicide, either sooner or later. I was considering that maybe sooner is better than later. People have more time to get over it. I don't have the responsibility of children. My young cousins wouldn't even remember me in a couple years, or even months. My grandma would be crushed, but she has survived so much before me. I doubt it would affect my brothers too much. And my parents? I honestly think they would move on. I mean, isn't it easier to not have to put up with a disabled, mentally ill daughter who can hardly stand to be alone and needs to be cared for so much? Who probably won't get married, or become successful, or do anything meaningful? What kind of life is that? I'm sure my parents weren't considering this when I was a baby in their arms. I used to be able to imagine my future and all the possibilities that it held. Now, I can't see much at all.