ALRIIIGHTYYYY THENNN. Cue random influx of 15+ new followers. Where did you guys come from?
Now, you must excuse my likely-to-be disjointed post, for I am considerably hypomanic. How do I know this? My fingers are shaking. There is a random burst of happiness inside me that just wants to jump out! I feel like talking to someone, but everyone at my house is in their rooms. Ohhh golly.
Okay, don't get angry, BUT, the day after my last post I was convinced it was the end for me (Sunday). I was so utterly depressed and helpless. I took an overdose and cut my leg up. I called my mum. She worked out what had happened after I literally could not sit up without fainting. Dad called an ambulance, and I was rushed to hospital. Brilliant, right? I was in emergency, and they connected me to a heart monitor and flushed out my blood with a drip (I have a MASSIVE bruise on my arm thanks to the GIGANTIC needle). We had to stay there for about 7 hours before I convinced them that I wasn't suicidal and I should be let home.
So, I had to see my psychiatrist the next day. He reiterated the fact that I was Bipolar, and then suggested I had Borderline Personality Disorder. That's pretty much when people feel overwhelming sadness and disconnection from themselves, and they don't know what to do, so they hurt themselves. e.g. my overdose and cutting. I repeat: I WAS NOT TRYING TO KILL MYSELF. ONLY TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL BETTER.
It took a while for my parents, brothers and grandmother to understand that, but they get it now.
He also diagnosed me with Agoraphobia - a fear of outside spaces, etc. You know the one? Well, yes, it's kinda true. I do NOT do shopping centres or grocery stores by myself. So, whatever, that's cool. He likes diagnosing people.
So, now I'm on 100mg of Seroquel, and 200mg of Pristiq, and am required to have a HEAP of sleep. Supposedly that's the important thing. Mum's making sure of it, that's for sure. The Seroquel knocks me out in an hour!
Now, it's Wednesday. I went to uni a bit on Tuesday and today, which was nice. And it's only since this afternoon that I've realised the increase in manic-ness in my behaviour. This is somewhat good, but I don't want to crash, you know?
You guys left me the greatest comments! I am so, so, SO appreciative of them all! And I WILL comment back on all your posts asap! Obviously I had to recover first, but I was reading them as they came in, and they were VERY helpful and uplifting. Hopefully in the next couple days I'll have time. I can't wait to see what you guys have been up to.
I am SO joyed right now (for all the wrong reasons) but I should get into bed and try to calm myself down. I have work and babysitting tomorrow. I'll update soon! LOVE YOU ALL!
20 comments:
wow a rough time of it for you it seems, glad you're feeling better though. My friend's husband has Bipolar and he can be really really super-happy and then all of a sudden crash. Take care of yourself , and lucky you with all that sleep - I looooooooooooove sleeping! xx
I hope you don't take the following comment the wrong way and feel that I'm telling you you're not ill -- I can't be a judge of that. More than anything, I am upset with your psychiatrist. Doctors are so quick to judge. Idk what it is? The money they get from selling us drugs maybe? Or some kind of perverted thrill from thinking they've accomplished something by giving someone a diagnosis (that more often than not proves to be incorrect/exaggerated). Once again, this is only my opinion and shouldn't be taken too seriously as I don't know your real life situation, but there aren't many cases where someone is bipolar and suffering from BPD and agoraphobic. You may have one (perhaps in conjunction with depression) and be showing symptoms of another of these illnesses. And though I know the physician simply suggested you have BPD, I completely disagree with making these wild assumptions. For one thing, they can make a person go crazy thinking they are crazy and, by the time they've been diagnosed, it's probably because they THINK they're sick and therefore become sick (kind of like ana in some cases). I don't know what it feels to be agoraphobic, but I do know how it is to be depressed and showing symptoms of agoraphobia and feeling the symptoms. As for BPD: my sisters, my parents, my friends all show symptoms. I can even point out friends who have 5 of the symptoms (which can qualify as a diagnosis for BPD). It doesn't mean they suffer from the same life-ruining illness I suffer from. I don't want you, or anyone else, to take this the wrong way. I am not trying to say you're wrong or lying or trying to make us pity you...I guess these are just words of caution: take everything they tell you with a grain of salt (or maybe a bucket-full:P).
I'm glad you're out of the hospital and feeling better. Keep us posted pleaassse :)
Hmm. I, too, am said to be bipolar and borderline... perhaps that's the case, but I hate being diagnosed. They're just compartmentalizing our personalities, you know?
Anyway, I'm glad you're all right and out of the hospital. I understand the extreme lengths you went to, and the fact that they did not constitute a suicide attempt. That's the hardest part for others to grasp, the self-destructive urge without the death wish.
Hang in there! xx
oww, my friend has the same thing, and she was put on medication after she also overdosed and cut herself, though she wasn't trying to kill herself.
but be sure to go to another psychiatrist, just to get another opinion.. especially cus he judge you this much, sometimes people just dont like things, that doesn't always mean they have a phobia :)
xoxo
Sweetie :( I feel that in moments like that, family is the freaking worst to have around. I know when i would get depressed my mom would threaten to put me in a padded room. I know what its like to cut just to let the pain out somewhere.
Im glad your seeing someone, i use to....but she stopped answering my emails in moments i needed her the most :(
just take care of ruself hun dont wnna lose u
nad thats y i cut it makes everything stop im numb an dim ok but i dont have my razors nemore got taken away
Wow, well I'm glad u were able to get help and are feeling better now. Hopefully the meds will start to help and u don't have to go through that again
15+ followers cs your awesome :) im nt gna try cmpare myself to you as your much stronger and inspirational..do what you hv to do bt just know i love your blog and id hate if something happend to you :( jus get better k xx
I HAVE NISSED YOU SO MUCH AND I'M SORRY FOR DISAPPEARING OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTHHH.
Let us be hyper together, because hyper is happier. It's glad to see you're feeling better today <3
I'm so glad you're feeling better than you were; I read your last post and my heart flew out of my chest.
I hope the medication takes the edge of the disconnection and sadness for you. My friend who has bipolar can change so suddenly it's unreal so I hope the meds can smooth the transition of it all out for you. It might be worth getting a second opinion with the psychiatrist, he seems pretty quick to judge – just a thought. :)
Keep smiling - though I know that's harder said than done at times. :)
Look after yourself.
♥
I think I have borderline too o.O
I have these abrupt depression bouts and all :(
Anyways you take loads of care allright? :)
*hugs*
It's possible that your upsurge in followers could have something to do with your raw, honest posts that many people can relate to. As for the cutting and od'ing not to kill just to feel better I completely understand that. When things are that bad you don't think of the consequences you just do whatever it takes to make the pain go away.
Glad your feeling much better though now and hopefully that continues =)
Dotty
xx
**raises hand** yeah I'm one of your new followers... heh... it was definitely the raw and non sugarcoated posts and the way you are just you, I get the way you feel, though maybe mr psychiatrist is a little trigger happy though, I hate being defined by my mental state.. i never want to hear "oh, that's just that psychotic girl from math" ever again hope you are recovering well :)
Ahh? I was sure I left a comment on here agreeing with AB.
I think it is unlikely you have BPD and bi polar II...
I'd say severe anxiety (and OCD!) >>> depression (chemically) >>> more anxiety >>> agoraphobia. In addition you have the mood swings. I can't however see that you have BPD or any type of personality disorder. People with OCD/ bi polar/ anxiety need coping mechanisms, they may include those related to BPD but aren't BPD in themselves because they come from somewhere else.
I'm pretty sceptical about BPD diagnosis', I know 2 people who DO have it, undeniably however I know many more with the diagnosis.
See where you are in 6 months once your mood meds are stabilised. Look up guidelines on medication for bi polar, I know you're in AUS but if you look up the UK NICE guidelines they have really good leaflets for patients and professionals. x
"a HEAP of sleep" made me smile. cute phrase. following you now.
<3
I can't stand medical professional who like diagnosing people with stuff. Half the time they get the diagnosis wrong.
I'd love drugs that required me to have a heap of sleep though. Even if I am pretty anti-medication for a lot fo things. :P
Take care fo yourself though! xx
Aww!! :-( Please don't do this to yourself.. It makes people who love you sad.. I understand its a rough patch, but look around for motivation, i'm sure you'll find it. Take care.
Loads of Love and Hugs,
Updater!
OMG! I'm glad you're alright, but gosh, hospital sucks! It's so great your family cares for you.
I used to cut too, not to die, never, just as you said - to make myself feel better.
Hope uni will be good this semester for you.
Enjoy your high!
im glad your feeling better, i love reading your posts, its always just a bit of an inspiration to show im not alone. i was "diagnosed" with bipolar disorder, but i refuse to take medication because somehow i feel like if i do then it makes it too official? idk
and im still trying to get done with cutting but its just too hard to kick
Re: Agoraphobia
You'd LOVE the dinky little lecture theaters they have in Quad. They make me feel like I'm a marlin trying to squeeze into a sardine tin!
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